There have been some good changes in the last few months here in my personal life. Moving was the biggest change. My sister, Karen and I moved to a nice and a little better designed handicap accessible apartment. The biggest joy is being near the salty marshes. We can go down to the docks and watch the water in hopes of seeing dolphins. Neither one of us has seen any yet. The second biggest change was the bathroom issue at her previous apartment. I can move and use the toilet safer in the new place because the grab bars are where they need to be. Having the grab bars is a huge stress reliever for me as I got hurt a few times in the other place. The bathroom unfortunately has a bathtub, so I had to request my doctor to prescribe an occupational therapist to come show me how to transfer from the power wheelchair to the shower seat. A work in progress. The kitchen has some issues, but that is another post.
First, I wanted to share my picture of the “Rattlesnake Plant” that I bought in Michigan before the move. The plant was dying at the time of the move, but now it has transformed into a beautiful vibrant, spotty green, animal friendly plant. This plant is my reminder and I see it everyday in the living room that even though things are going in everyday life, the spots are a reminder to work on myself and to remind me that people can be “rattlesnakes” and spotty. Rattlesnakes have attitudes, mean behavorial issues, and for me the changes in my life are the green parts “joys and calming” things that I work on within me and this journey. The brown leaves on the plant are dead things that just did not work in my circle that I have created with my well being.
Now for the things I have been dealing with and it explains the plant paragraph. Thinking about the changes that happened during the transitioning to a better place I forgot what a pain it is to live with a very self-centered and ungrateful human being. Some of my trauma returned from situations I used to be in another chapter of my life. I relocated to another state to live with my sister because I needed some help and the current crap going on in this world has me very concerned about my life and needs. In the prior apartment she was living at, there used to be a 3rd and 4th person (referenced IT) in this living equation. The unfriendliness that was portrayed from day one of my arrival, petty issues, eye-rolling drama, crappy attitudes, mean talking and sneaky decisions that I saw just did not sit very well with me. For me, it was narcissism at its finest. I felt utterly in despair and truly felt my move was another wrong decision. Then when I saw the things that upset and often angered my sister from this oppressive and self-opinionated IT during the 9 months living with these extremely nerve wracking and difficult ITs, the final stab just infuriated me. After putting us through a lot of turmoil, doubt, and walking on eggshells along with the sneaky and narcissistic behavior about us moving to a better accessible place for me (please remember IT told my sister I needed to move in with them), IT#1 and IT#2 made it uncomfortable causing a lot of conflict and nerve-wracking feelings with my sister and I about moving to an accessible place. The final disgusting act was on the weekend of the move, my sister told me “IT” was not moving with us. This was planned secretly with IT all along. I am so pissed off because this was so not necessary.
Now, I have been thinking a lot about anger and forgivness during these last 2 months of peace that it is possible God was intervening because things now are so much pleasant. There is no narcissistic, stomping around, mopey, walking or wheeling on eggshells, feelings of worry offending IT. It was meant to be. However, did my attitude within me cause some nasty MS effects in my body. Yes, I believe God was trying to say something. There are consquences for our thoughts, feelings of anger, actually despising people in my circle of life, I am having some major exacerbations caused by the stress and hatard I allowed myself to feel.
I honestly thought I would not experience this type of crap again in this stage of my life having grown up with it being physically, mentally, and verbally abused by 3 family members and with two incredibly significant abusive relationships that has changed me in a way that caused serious life changes. One devastating change was being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and my thirty plus year journey with chronic nerve pain, fatigue, and having to return to my home state with uncertainty and despair during my mother’s cancer diagnosis. The last abusive thing I suffered from the trauma decreased mobility with my legs drastically and I have been in a wheelchair since 2020. It is now 4 years. The decline with my legs and the trauma-related was confirmed by three neurologists and my PCP in Michigan and here in SC. I am praying they are wrong, and I have hope and faith that I will walk again. This will be another or several posts to write about I believe. Stay tuned.
MS and My Life 