The definition of depression in google: “Depression is a mental health condition characterized by persistent sadness, loss of interest in activities, and other symptoms that affect daily life. These symptoms can include changes in mood, sleep, appetite, energy levels, and concentration. It’s crucial to seek help if you experience five or more of these symptoms for at least two weeks”.  Interesting explanation. So does this mean I have been depressed ever since I was diagnosed on that day March 1991 that I was told, “you have MS. Neurologst says, “Here is a pamplet on what MS is. Go home and read up and take 80mg of predinsone and come back to see me in 2 weeks”. I remember this day so clearly. I had such a massive migraine and it was in the high 90’s and the person who brought me had no AC in her car. Made me double sick. On top of that she ordered McDonald’s for herself and the aroma from the fast food made things so much worse. When I got home I threw up so violently from the smells, the heat, the massive pounding headache, just so confused because I was still seeing double vision. I couldn’t focus. The neurologist was not helpful. Over the years, I find that this still rings true to this very day.

I met another person in a job i was hired at. Couple of very strange things. One on the application, the question asked was – do you have multiple sclerosis? I thought what a weird and extremely personal and not appropriate question for a construction accounting job and when I met this person who had MS, I was actually excited and relieved to talk about the disease with another person. He replied, “if you are diagnosed with MS, you’re fucked!”. I was shocked and just clammed up not wanting to say anymore. I didn’t know if he was going to spew wrath on me at that moment. Some may think this is funny, but I didn’t. I had been struggling for five years prior to meeting him. It was then I realized there is just absolutely no positivity in this disease with anyone.

Yesterday, my sister asked me if I was depressed? I was taken back by the question. No one has ever asked me this. At this moment my comment to her was no, but the question kept me up all night. I think I fell asleep around 4ish. I thought, over 30 years of living with this disease and becoming wheel chair bound in 2019/2020 losing my ability to walk, went through different jobs some were eh and some were just awful, a violent and hostile uncaring relationship, moving to different states, had a falling out with my sister for a few years, taking care of my mother who was diagnosed with salivary gland cancer, lost a very close friend in 2011 whom I’ve known since 1985, lost two friends to cancer a few years ago, lost friends in general not understanding why, became Deaf from the MS, struggling with a family member that I grew up with and having to let her go because of her crappy-ass attitude, living alone in a wheelchair trying to survive with very little resources, working on repairing my relationship with my sister living in a different state being very cautious (eggshell type) not wanting to start another misunderstanding, dealing with a very abusive and mean person who I thought was a friend but so viscious even my sister was shocked, dealing with health insurance crap, arguing with doctors and neurologists who do not always know what is best for me, dealing with male physical therapists who seem to enjoy inflicting pain on me and making me uncomfortable – recently at the Mayo clinic hospital and a few years ago in Monroe Michigan, reading comments in MS groups I have joined just blows me away, I think this list is sufficient enough for anyone to get the picture. There is more, but it would be a huge book.

Am I depressed? I think I have done pretty damn good for all these years of crap I went through. Yes, I realize everyone has their own story to tell as bluntly told by a former boss “ugh”, but how do I answer this question for myself when the future is not clear. My recent hospital stay was very scary for me. Rode in an ambulance for the first time, rushed into the ER department with over 10 healthcare profssionals hovering over me, very lethargic and weak, clothes removed exposing my naked body “mortified”, trying to understand what is happening, the video relay interpreter (VRI) smiling the whole time while it is total chaos around me, wanted to punch her and throw the machine against the wall! My sister stressed with her new job and me being in the hospital sick, it is just the 2 of us, there is no one else to help out. I am very worried and scared out of my mind. I am home after 11 days in the hospital. Every twitch, pain and bathroom issues has me worried beyond anything I have experienced. I do not want to have any issues that causes my sister more stress and time off work. I pray everyday that I am healing from this, but I am not at peace.