Disclaimer: no one or anyone was harmed by this personal writing of my thoughts. I am just really frustrated and extremely angry for being deceived for 30+ years.

Not sure how I should write this post. They say just write it. I’m angry. This may either make you go ohhhh, or may make you roll your eyes. Either way, it’s my emotions, frustrations, and anger. Little bit of a reminder, for you: Multiple Sclerosis diagnosed since 1991, wheelchair user since 2020, became Deaf 2020, still fighting despite the huge let downs.

My sister had to do her annual pituitary gland checkup to make sure the tumor has not returned. She’s had three since 2003. She asked her neurologist if he could recommend a neurologist that specializes in Multiple Sclerosis. Here’s the shocking game changer. I’ve been referred by my PCP’s since my first diagnosis to the WRONG specialists all these years. Neurologists are not the specialists. They do not work in depth with people diagnosed with this debilitating disease. Her neurologist said I should be seeing a neurologist that is an immunologist specialist. I have a compromised immune system. The neuro-immunologist knows what tests to order, what to look for, how to help me better. My mind is just blown and mixed up.

My lying face shows I’m ok, but my feelings deep inside are a dangerously brewing , volcano ready to explode and spew hot red lava on all the healthcare doctors I’ve seen. My brain is filled to the maximum of betrayals, why’s, and what if’s! Most of all I feel so stupid. Even the many books I’ve read does not mention this that I remember to the best of my knowledge. Time for the fire pit and fire places to be fueled by these books I’ve read as fire starters. Maybe fill all the lying written pages in rocket fuel for that stupid SpaceX rocket when they head to space to float for all eternity. I have lost ALL faith in the health industry, western medicine filled sludgy sticky crap-ass money hungry doctors and in homeopathic consultant fakers too.

Right now this avoiding inflammatory foods and eating natural, organic, taking supplements, reading health & wellness consultants advice is just sitting in a puddle of pure stench filled ugly yellow-green diarrhea crap of why bother? There’s no amount of rhyme or reason at this time anyone could convince me otherwise. I am pissed off!

I think I just need time. Not sure if my resentment will ever go away with the constant ever breaking down power wheelchair staring in my face as I do art, cook, or lay in my chair to rest which I am ALWAYS doing. Even reading and dealing with the ableist morons who spew asshole comments about what they think is best for me that have never ever experienced losing your mobility, your hand dexterity issues that sometimes affect wiping your butt, the lack of depending on other people to help, the government’s betrayal for people with disabilities, the constant guilt of being a burden, the threats of government cuts that are always dangling, the constant fighting for approval for what I need just makes me spew hot curds of vomit.

Just keeping on, keeping on with a bucket of potato chips and chocolate…