Recently, I was cleaning out texts from my phone. At the very bottom of my text messages, I read texts that happened one year ago. I realized that it took me a long time to heal from these verbal attacks from a former friend. An article from an MS site I received last week validated some of the feelings I was going through for a long time. I am going to reference some interesting points (rewritten in my words) that I read in the article. For years, I felt I was too sensitive about things that I have been subjected to and always pushed many of my feelings deep down inside. I do talk about things I have gone through, but I did not realize how my trauma memories and feelings pop up unexpectedly. I was feeling out of sorts these past few days, and I feel when I read these abusive texts, this is why. I learned that journaling in my blog really helps me cope.

Negative and abusive people.  There are people that are constantly negative and abusive about your disease that does have a damaging impact on MS and chronic illnesses. Toxic people can be anywhere – friends, partners, family etc. We should never tolerate someone who makes that life even harder. Because of the negativity and abuse injected by those close to us, decisions must be made to protect our wellbeing. Ending a relationship of any kind is not easy or simple, especially for someone that has a chronic illness, and it is common that we do not always have understanding family or friends. Thinking about your wellbeing is detrimental and it is important to always remember that you deserve peace and a stressless life. When talking to the abusive or negative person to explain how they make you feel and why that is bad for you, and the verbal assault continues, it is time to remove them from your life. We often find support in our close friends and family to support us but have people that think they are being supportive but turn out to be the exact and extreme opposite of that.

I wrote about this before in a prior blog. I asked a friend to help me do laundry because my other friend was extremely busy that week. This is the basics of what happened. I decided on the time because she refused to set a time based on her schedule. On the day of the scheduled pickup, she texts, changes the scheduled time her preference. I got angry because of her unwillingness and numerous texts back and forth the prior day of setting the time, she decided to change it to suit her needs. So, why all this drama? I explained to her that I am already in my wheelchair for 5-6 hours doing things and I am in pain. The time she wanted to come by is the time I rest. So, I said never mind, I will try to do laundry myself. She went off on me, some of her texts I received just blew me away. I changed the swear words with symbols, because it is rude, mean, bad, disrespectful and totally unnecessary. The texts she sent me went on for a few days. I just stopped texting back because I knew there was no point or reason to rectify the situation. I could not block her yet because she had the key to my apartment. I was not comfortable anymore. A friend and her husband suggested to tell the rental office I needed the locks changed. I paid the fee and had them changed. Thank you, you know who you are. I finally slept that night after a few sleepless nights. Some of the things that were texted to me from the friend that week were very triggering for me because it is very similar to what happened to me a long time ago with an abusive Deaf aunt and in again in 2 other places I lived for a few years. I thought I was ok, but I really wasn’t.

She texted:

• Our friendship with your choice is over, I will drop the keys off tmw… I am so speechless for who you are… it’s uncalled for.. no worries, I won’t ever see an ugly muggier ever again… you are so clueless!! People do care!!! YOU DONT, I saw that.. I am so saddened by this, I realized it’s on YOU.
• You have a very mean spirit in you!! You need to work on being grateful for people who are there for you!!!!! Shame on you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
•  Bc you broke my f$&@ing heart!!!! You are just so ugly
• Ugly heart!!! Very ugly heart
• You are hurting yourself a lot more than it should.. I can’t believe you.. you don’t f$&@ing value me at all.. over a f?$@ing laundry basket to pick it up. What the f$&k are you thinking!?!?
• You are more ruder than before..
• Cussing is only a f$&@ing expression… duh!!!!!
• It’s your MS cause to be that way.. if it is, then I forgive you.. I don’t care if you blab blab blab blab to deafies.. big mouth…. Go ahead and bite my a$$.. I really am so hurt by you!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s so mind boggling!! Never f$&@ing again.. I don’t want your friendship bc you are not healthy
• F$@k you f@&k yoi f$&k you f$&k  you f$&k yiu.. go head remove me all of your support groups and you.. I don’t care!!  Hurt me more like you always do the last time.. I never eliminated you!! I valued you as a person!! F$&k you Pam.. you love a very good friend
• NEVER AGAIN!!! Our friendship is dead dead!!! You are emotionally very very immature, it kind of made me see why your ex don’t like you!!!! Shame on you!!!! Ohh deaf Pah, that’s the name of the bullshit you put people through… I cannot believe you!!! Shame shame and shame on you
• I already forgave you.. this is something you need to work on yourself: FORGIVE YOURSELF.. stop complaining, you are YOU and you make choices to keep or reject others.. God says to love everyone!!!
• You can read me, you can feel me.. come on Pam, you are 60 years acting like a four year old for rejecting someone for your silly demands.. it’s the stupidest thing I have ever met a person like you…

Like I said it took a year to heal. Will I ever heal? I hope so. I pray to God to give me peace and give me the courage to forgive. Jesus forgave. I never claimed I was perfect to anyone. I know I am not. Yes, I can be difficult, but anyone can be difficult. I am not the only one. I learned from journaling, reading the bible, talking with a friend on our weekly chats that I need to forgive to let go and be happy. I couldn’t for a year because I shoved it down so deep in me and I paid the price because I had several MS episodes. I am trying to remember if I said things like that to anyone. If I did, I am terribly sorry for being such an ugly human being. My boundaries with people are now iron clad. I will never tolerate this kind of verbal and emotional abuse from anyone ever again. You will be blocked from me. Period. Now, I am in a different place. I feel much healthier mentally than I have in a long time. I feel I can move from this experience because I have the tools to work with to keep my wellbeing strong. I finally deleted the texts from my phone. Things seem much lighter. I tried to do art on this, but the art to create is so ugly and evil I did not want that in my art space. I journaled instead.