Having a positive mindset is challenging. Our mental health is affected by many things that can come from abuse, addiction, attitude, society, illness, health, chronic disease, opinions, people, family, friends, God, faith, religion, and/or things that are happening in the world. I am sure there are more reasons out there that affect mental health. For me I know my mental health is very challenged by disease. It can be difficult to have a positive mindset mentally when I see myself changing physically. The biggest challenge for me is people think I can still do the things I used to do when I could. Simple tasks like holding things, doing simple tasks like wheeling myself outside, cooking, folding clothes, twisting things, cutting stuff, exercising, even going to the bathroom are all obstacles that affect me mentally and physically. I know in my heart people have good intentions, but then again, their intentions to me are unrealistic and extremely annoying at times. I try very hard not to be someone else’s burden. I have been told I am not a burden and to stop saying that. How does a person with a chronic autoimmune disease in a wheelchair who often does not have control over the simplest task stop feeling that when an able person says that?  

Some things I am triggered by recently are comments and posts on social media and other things sent personally to me about mental health and getting uncomfortable about change. I think about this every day. My behavior is affected every day by simple things such as brushing my teeth. I am uncomfortable every day.  I worry and am extremely challenged with change simply because I know my body so well. The constant thinking and planning of how I can do things for the day, how I will move from chair to wheelchair and back, resting is a huge challenge, etc. My body changes every day. Just because you saw me do something yesterday does not mean I am able to do this same task today. If something I read or saw triggers my mental health and well-being, I have a hard time processing it. But just because I am struggling does not give me the right to treat someone else like crap because of a past situation. If you cannot deal with something, then wouldn’t it make sense to get therapy to help you heal and move on? To say that you do not need therapy or spend money for therapy about past traumas or mental health stability just does not make any sense. We are creatures of habit. When things affect us, we do things that are not healthy. Overeating healthy and not healthy, drugs, alcohol, spend money knowing you do not have room to spend or charge on credit cards, make impulsive choices that we think make us feel better, treat people we are around badly, walk around looking dejected or hurt, insult others, mope, sleep a lot, and more. I think I have given out enough examples.  

Keeping quiet and not acting on my annoyance is a skill I have had to master, and I am still working on it since the wheelchair became permanently attached to my butt. My outlet right now to a peaceful mindset is Pinterest, journaling, or art. I believe have a great attitude for the obstacles I go through every day. This is extremely uncomfortable for me. I cannot drive anymore, type fast, work full time, cook for hours at a time, take a bath, open things, write with a writing utensil, sleep in a bed, hold a camera, open pill bottles, rip open packages, hold a book, being alone, possibility of not having a companion, just get up and go spontaneously, travel, having bathroom accidents and needing help with that, showering, being naked around people that help me,  the simple things I used to do. These are life changes that I had to overcome being uncomfortable. These are still ongoing things I need to overcome every single day knowing if I can get better or not. This disease is 50/50. This disease changes a lot. They say your mindset is everything. How does that work when diagnosed with an incurable disease? That to me is the million-dollar question. I have been told trust God. God is the answer to everything. So, if my feelings are all over the place because of the obstacles faced daily, does this mean I don’t trust God? Be patient, I have been told. Sometimes the pain I have in my body 24/7 just blows my patience out the door. I try every day to be diligent in my habits of wellbeing, my faith learning, loving people regardless of their crap, do not succumb to the disease, just truly tries me every day. Trust God, I have been told.

There are people in this world who have endured more than I have. Their lives changed so drastically I feel like I am ungrateful. Today someone told me I am not ungrateful because it is how I feel. The worst feeling I have is to be compared to another person’s struggles and obstacles when I talk about my own struggles. I feel like I am being told, there are others out there worse off than you. I keep a lot bottled up and just wheel away and lay in my chair because I feel guilty and ungrateful. I know there are others who struggle, have barriers to overcome and I do not think I am superior and require more. It feels that way when people compare the disease I have to others. It truly is not the same.