I think asking for help from family, partners, or friends is not an easy or comfortable thing to do. There is always the risk of endangering a fragile relationship that is built over years or months. Family or friend’s relationships can change in a blink of an eye especially when your life has changed from being healthy, independent, and financially comfortable to diagnosis with a chronic disease, dependent, and on disability. The years of having an incurable disease does change a person, their family, partner, or friend. How the disease is understood or misunderstood can be the cause of negativity, gaslighting, toxicity, verbal, physical, or mental abuse, guilt, insecurity and more. I have changed. I can be difficult. I am a challenge. My patience is tested every day. My sense of peace is always teetering on a tightrope that continuously hangs unstable. My faith with God, myself, my family, relationships personal, or medically is always tested. Being misunderstood is the worst.

When we confide in someone family or friend about personal feelings and things that have happened or is happening in our life and it is used to defame, humiliate, and hurt in a way that causes doubt, anxiety, and insecurity that makes you feel withdrawn, wrecks massive havoc on trying to maintain simplicity and stability in a chronic diseased life is…I cannot think of a word that describes my confusion, feelings, tiredness of bending over backwards to keep stability and me being calm and at peace when things constantly cause so much turmoil in my brain and faith. It is so easy for a person to change and become an ugly human being when things do not always work out for THEM or when you are misunderstood.

When I ask family or friends for something that I need done or just to share what is going on, their judgment and opinions of how they think I should have taken this or that into consideration just blows my mind. There is always that fear of retaliation, anger, exasperation, verbal abuse, nasty language, but it’s about me attitude, rather than focusing on my situation in that moment of need and reasons that I have asked for help or support especially when I was told if you need anything please ask. What is even worse is when someone is constantly verbally abusing you throughout the week and refusing to give back something that was entrusted to them to help because they said they would but did not respect my needs and feelings. My sense of security of feeling safe in my own home that I have worked so hard to feel is threatened and compromised just wreaks complete havoc on my body and mind. I cannot run away. I feel trapped. I feel weak.

Please do not misunderstand me. The gratitude for the help that I have been given from family and friends (you know who you are) financially, personal, and mental support, and always trying to help me make things easier is more than I can describe. I am blessed with this incredible amount of support and love. Right now, I am just blown away by what happened with someone this past week that has brought back into my life the mental and verbal abuse I endured almost eight years ago. I honestly thought I would have never experience that again. To ask for something I need has become difficult and not feeling safe about it. My faith has weakened once again, and I am asking God to guide me through this and to help me forgive because I do not want to. I am not strong.