I had some things that happened within the month and those issues have affected me negatively. I thought I was ok, but when I talked with my new neurologist recently, we talked about a lot of things. Between my recent therapy sessions and the neurologist, I have come to accept how things in life really do affect me. The impact of not listening to my feelings, my body is forever screaming from the constant upheavals of struggles with friends who do not respect me, losing friends, daily stuff, and the many prior triggers.

I’m always in a fight or flight mode unconsciously thinking eh, just a bump in my life journey. But what I keep forgetting is that I am definitely a person with unhealthy habits. Years of verbal, physical, mental abuse from family members, friends, Deaf communities, relationships Deaf and Hearing, I’ve shoved my thoughts, fears, anger, hurt, the list is endless down so deep in me that my body is in a constant state of stress.

When a friend takes advantage of me I tolerate it for a long time and then one day their spoiled and whiny behavior just snaps my patience, I blow up and there’s nothing that can stop that. What more, I’m told that I’m not supporting enough and because of my blowup, the friendship has changed. I need to learn to not accept the behavior of others taking advantage and say no I cannot do this for you. This way, the tolerance of allowing people to take advantage stops when I say no and it doesn’t build up to where I explode. I’m always in a constant state of guilt because I am told “the friendship” has changed forever. I don’t get that. What ever happened to we had an argument, say sorry and move on?This is growth and we learn about each other better.

When a person is abused for years it becomes the norm. This happens often with me. I pay a heavy price for that because now, I cannot tolerate anything that is disruptive in life like the daily things I need to do to get stuff to help make my life easier. Current events like the coronavirus, our very disruptive unhealthy government, causes so much stress I’m constantly in a fight/flight mode. Prior life events do creep up and trigger me, I’m constantly having to reassure myself I will not allow this to control me. It is done, I cannot change it.

Talking with the neurologist and therapist has made me see that I cannot heal if I allow these things to invade my personal space. I’ve been struggling to walk everyday just to do the simple tasks that are taken for granted like cooking, cleaning, running errands, even sleeping because current disruptions have invaded my personal space. I’ve come to realize that negative disruptions are silent killers that affect. I must constantly be aware of that. Listen to my body say, hey! I don’t like this, it makes me nervous, upset, uncomfortable and learn to say no and stop the crap from invading my well being is the key to change and stop things from spiraling out of control.

The bottom line is learn to say no, don’t allow guilt to invade my thoughts and decisions, I have an autoimmune disease, I must constantly protect my personal space from fight or flight mode because my body is constantly attacking itself and I cannot heal.